Neanderthal Seeks Human; A Smart Romance by Penny Reid

Skeptic scale: ♥♥


This was a BAD book, you guys. Like incredibly, monumentally, horrifically silly. I feel sad for myself that I read it. I feel sad for the genre that it has been thus maltreated. That chick-lit has taken a step backwards into the dark days of the themes of the 80s. That we took all that was kitchy and hilarious about 50 Shades of Grey and turned it into this horrid, pepto-bismol hued travesty. Oof.


The issue: I guess my main problem with this book is that I found the heroine to be ridiculous. She was clueless, oblivious and very dumb, frankly. She's always having to be taken care of by others (her ex, her bff, the hero), and can't really seem to figure things out on her own. She is supposed to be quirky and cute with all the spouting off about random facts about legal codes and mathematics, but she just reminded me of a really ditsy version of Rain Man. The hero was also ridiculous, but I guess if you like the whole Alpha/Dom type, then he's just a cliched version of that hero archetype. 

Why was I so upset? I was offended by all this because we should have MOVED ON from these types of heroines by now. These helpless, silly victims who are smart but only in a vague, totally useless way. We have so many wonderful examples of how we can do this plot in a more elegant way that doesn't belittle the female character to the point that she is a weak, pathetic entity. I feel like an opportunity was wasted here - and that frustrated me.

The plot

Allow me to provide a blow-by-blow synopsis of the salient plot points and while it may seem that I am I'm cherry picking only the most ludicrous ones, I assure you I am not. As you will soon see for yourselves, ALL the plot points are ludicrous. 

Girl whose life is falling apart in slow, painful motion meets boy: We open on the pot. As in the porcelain throne. The crapper. The john. There is a rather funny description of our heroine, who I shall hereafter refer to as "h", losing her shit. Pun intended. She's just been fired, you see. Also, she's found out that her boyfriend of many years has been unfaithful. And that she's going to be homeless pretty soon because she obviously can't live with her faithless jerk of an ex-bf now. 

So far so good, right? Fun set up. Snappy writing. Girl is both charmingly frazzled and clearly needs some good luck in her life. As purveyors of chick lit, we know that there couldn't be a more ripe situation for Mr. Oh So Right to stride in than when the chick's life is falling to pieces about her ears. 

And true to form, the hero (hereafter, referred to as "H") appears not 6 pages into the slowly unfolding train wreck of the h's life. He comes not so much as a conquering hero, but in the person of a uniformed security guard to escort her off the premises. Not a lot of dialogue except for her slightly hysterical ramblings (we rapidly learn that she has some kind of un-diagnosed Asperger's symptoms and a history of reality-avoidance that springs from her difficult childhood). The H remains impassive and stoic but we know he's obviously struck by this blubbering ingenue. Think Bridget Jones but with more talking. We also suspect that there is something more to the man than his apparent profession as a security guard. Not because of any particular clue except that we know that in Romancelandia no one falls in love with a security guard. I'm not being an elitist dick. It just would never happen.

Girl and boy continue to meet while laboring under series of misunderstandings: After a vaguely flirtatious elevator ride as he is escorting her out of the building, she finds herself in a limo being chauffeured home by an affable stereotype, Vince. She's briefly visited by the uneasy question of WHY SHE'S IN A LIMO IF SHE'S JUST BEEN FIRED, but pushes that out of the way to concentrate on ruminating on how embarrassed she was that the H had seen her in her worst moment.

The next time H & h's paths cross is random. She is at a bar with her bff. He happens to be at the same bar. He seems to be a bouncer of some sort. He appears to enjoy her smexy get up (smoldering gaze, lingering glances) but advises her to leave the bar since its not the type of place for nice girls like her. Her friend, a doctor is called away urgently but the h returns to the bar with the intention of seeing the mysterious dude again. 

We learn what happens next in flashback, but here's where things start getting a little eyebrow raising in terms of logic and rational behavior. Apparently, the h returns and is spotted by some dastardly men who roofie her drink. She blacks out and is saved (of course) by he H. She wakes up in a compromising-seeming position in a strange bed learns what happens from the H who is right out of a shower looking manly and delicious. He assures her that "nothing happened" with those guys or him (except for her getting ROOFIED). Then they go for brunch. Hmmm... seems about right. Get roofied at night, seem to be utterly underwhelmed by the news that you almost got horribly violated and go for brunch the next morning with the security guard you've been secretly ogling.

While at brunch, he learns that she's got a photographic memory and is amazing with numbers and can spout off random facts at will. He says he can get her a job at his firm in the accounting department and hands her his card telling her to call. Here's where the series of misunderstandings begins. He repeatedly says its HIS company, so even a blind and deaf mole could read the subtext and surmise that he means he OWNS the company and it is HIS. She is so charmingly oblivious that she basically thinks he means "his" in the general way that means "company where he works". Ok. Ha ha. What fun it'll be when she finds out in 2 seconds when she asks him the specific question about this company. Not. In fact. This dummy doesn't figure this out for more than half the book. 

She obviously gets the job and now that they work closely with one another, they embark on a more serious flirtation that eventually leads to sex. The H now turns into some kind of watered-down Christian Grey character (penthouse, fancy car, grim outward persona/inner turmoil, insistence on her being "kept" - provides her with a job, her own security detail, buys her a cell phone, insists she move into a fancy apartment that he provides. There's even a lame recreation of the Christian Grey/Anna Steele emailing thing, but this time in the form of even lamer text messages. Oh and I forgot to mention how his lawyers draw up a contract that is meant to "protect" her job even in case of the dissolution of their relationship. Different from the Christian Grey contract, true, but still idiotic.) The eye rolling was almost uncontrollable. 

The passion between H & h continues to grow in a weird and disturbing way and to create even more "urgency" the writer also introduces a plot by the h's criminally inclined sister, a couple of rough thugs and a fight scene that involves the h's knitting circle.

Anyway, the writing remained engaging and snappy till the end. Despite the incredibly silliness of the plot, I did find myself smiling several times throughout the book at the entertaining language.

Kiss the Girl by Susan Sey

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥

The cover of this book really threw me for a loop. It suggests that the story would be one of those cutesy rom coms featuring a strong silent hero, a chattery but adorable heroine, a strict father figure with a heart of gold, a gay best friend and an eternally single and hilariously bitter bff. 

And I was wrong because despite what the cutie-patootie cover suggests, this story is the total opposite of that.

He: Heart surgeon who volunteers his time with the poor and downtrodden of D.C.'s rougher neighborhoods. Along with his best friend Mary Jane, he helps run a clinic to help the poor get access to healthcare.

She: A famous trust fund-rich do-gooder from a family of famous do-gooders who has spent her whole life in the poorest parts of the world trying to bring attention to the plight of the people there. Her mother is described as an Angelina Jolie-type of character with an almost brutal beauty and the ability to turn everyone who beholds her into a whimpering fool. Our heroine on the other hand is more of a Princess Di sort with a sweetness and charm that ingratiates her to anyone she meets. Her life has  been charmed in terms of wealth and public adoration, but she's a lonely girl at the heart of it. Plus she has a nasty and dysfunctional family.

Conflict: The hero's mother is a senator and he always resented the fact that she was never there for him and his father. He is determined never to marry someone who was so much in the public eye that it would preclude any sort of true private life. So when H meets h, although there is some attraction, he feels like her intensely public profile means that he can never really get into a relationship with her.

Liked:
1) Interesting premise and probably not too far off the mark as far as how the media affects people's private lives. 

2) The story wasn't as "soft" as your typical chick-lit novel. There were some rather serious issues being dealt with here - poverty in America, the abominable state of the healthcare system, the responsibility of the rich to lend the poor some of their luck, how the media both manipulates and is manipulated by people in the spotlight - among others.

3) The writing was snappy and many times funny, and the characters were really nicely drawn. They were all complicated and tricky and not at all the regular characters who usually pop up in chick-lit.

What was sort of meh:
1) I thought the hero was an ass. The big stick up his heinie was that his mommy was too busy for him (um hello, she was a senator, his dad could have moved his saggy butt to where his mom worked instead of insisting she leave her job and ambitions to come work on his farm). 

As a result of this feeling of abandonment, his whole problem with the heroine is that she's "too famous" to be a suitable wife and partner. Why? As a thinking adult, could he not open his eyes and see that being famous and busy isn't the real issue - the issue is what that person does with their fame and work. And once he gets to know her and realizes that she ISN'T a spoiled brat, then what is his issue with her? 

I really just didn't get why he let his dislike for the fact that he felt like his mom didn't bake him cookies when he was little color his whole entire perspective on Every Famous Female in the World.

2) There is a scene where he forces her to eat meat even though she says she's a vegetarian because he doesn't believe she's a vegetarian for "the right reasons". Say what now!!?? Who the heck is HE to tell her what the "right" reasons are. 

Her reasons were actually pretty sound - she thinks the meat industry is extremely energy intensive and thought she would do her little part in cutting back on the waste. That isn't the worst reasoning I've ever heard. But he insists that she eat a burger. Turns out she likes it and he feels all vindicated and smug. Well... the fact that burgers are DELICIOUS is not really in dispute here - it's just that even though they are delicious a person has a right to choose not to eat them if they feel like they are doing something to cut back a little on the general excess. 

Whatever. 

3) He asks his best friend to marry him even though he doesn't really love her that way two SECONDS after he finishes making out with the girl that he does like that way.

Skeptic's last word: Ok - it occurs to me that everything I dislike about this book has to do with the hero. So I guess that's that then. If you don't mind douche-y, bitter, antagonistic heroes then this is the book for you! I do like Ms. Sey as a writer though so I will try something else of hers to get the taste of this silliness out of my mouth.

Picture Perfect by Lucie Simone

Skeptic scale: Unf 

I didn't hate it. Writing was good. I kind of liked the h. She is a big shot Hollywood producer who has a roller coaster of scandal going on in her private life. In the midst of an Hollywood-style divorce with her husband, she meets this nice, up and coming star who she needs to cast in the latest big time movie.

My main problem with this (and granted I only read a third of the way in) was that I found the H just too weird. He's supposed to be a rising It Man in Hollywood. He is quirky and offbeat and waaaaaay too young. He behaves like a little boy in love for the first time. And call me a tard for getting too "real" with my involvement in what is essentially a fantasy, but I just don't buy the HEA when anyone from Hollywood is involved. I mean, you're essentially asking me to suspend disbelief in the (heavily botoxed) face of OVERWHELMING evidence that there IS no such thing as HEA in Hollywood. Skeptical much? 

I don't think I'll be finishing it. Not really because it was a terrible book, I'm sure if I stuck with it it would be sweet. But I can't do it. Hollywood theme is a no-no for me. It was my own fault for not reading the blurb before picking this up.

Love Unlisted by Stephanie Haddad

Skeptic scale: ♥♥

Hmmm... I do I approach this review?

Let me begin by saying that I didn't hate it. Ms. Haddad obviously can wield her pen and write a cogent sentence. I think I had more of an issue with the heroine than the actual writing.

She: Obsessive list-writer with other entertaining but highly anal retentive quirks.

He: Free wheeling, perpetually tousled musician.

Conflict: See "He" and "She"

What I liked:
1) Well-written, snappy dialogue, 

2) Not terribly original, but still interesting supporting cast.

3) I'm not a fan of beta heroes but this one was ok. He seemed like a sweet guy and was appropriately knight-in-shining-armor-ish

What I disliked
1) In the end it was just one thing really... the heroine. She's a compulsive listmaker who has a borderline personality disorder. She is controlling, incompetent, so mired in her own neurosis that she is selfish and unsympathetic to everyone else including her best friend who had hand-held her through what sounded like a mountain of inglorious romantic endings. I just couldn't muster up any affection for her, and I really couldn't figure out why anyone would care for her given that she was just so difficult to care for. 

I see that phobias and quirks make a character "interesting". And I did find her interesting. But I would find someone like her incredibly exhausting to know in real life. 

She never expresses any true selflessness and sense of empathy for anyone else - for her best friend, for her widowed mother, for the H... sorry to say, I would NOT want to be friends with this chick.

But I would read something else by the author. She's on my list.

Hot Wheels and High Heels by Jane Graves

Skeptic scale: ♥♥

He: An ex-cop, now a repo man. Loner. Tough guy.

She: Blonde. High maintenance. Ex-trophy wife to an embezzling jerk who has absconded and left her holding the bag. 

Conflict: He's just doing his job when he comes to repossess her fancy car, but she's not taking it lying down. She's seen everything she owns be taken away from her in front of her eyes and she just wants to keep ONE thing - her beautiful car. And maybe also a bottle of outrageously expensive wine. They are at cross purposes but she needs a job and he needs a secretary and boom! It's on.

Sooo... I liked the general premise of the book. It was pretty fun, fast paced and a little different from the usual stuff. 


Specifically, I liked:
1) Blue-collar hero who's plenty alpha, but also a nice guy. I don't get to read a lot of blue collar hero stories - and the ones I do, I usually find a bit silly, because the hero can never just be a regular middle-class guy - he's always a contractor who owns his own business, or a chef who owns his own restaurant, or a hot shot detective who doesn't play by the rules. This guy is a repo man - NOT a typical career choice for your dream man (and come to think of it, yeah, he does own his own business), but he's not necessarily running this smooth, money-making enterprise. It's just a regular business, making a regular living. So that was definitely new.

2) I liked that the story focuses on older people falling in love. Again, not something I typically read, so it was something interesting and different for me.

What I thought was dumb: 
1) There was a real lost opportunity here with the poor little rich girl + blue collar working dude interaction. I feel like because the characters were a bit older (in their 40s), we could have maybe seen something a little more nuanced about how the differences in their relative wealth had guided their life-choices. Like, maybe she could have done something useful while being a trophy wife of some rich finance type? Instead, she is just the same old spoiled, vapid creature we hear about on the Real Housewives of Everywhere Hot and Sultry. Meh. 

And maybe the story could have shown how, even though he wasn't necessarily rich, he is still doing something valuable with his life. He also seems sort of defensive about how he isn't filthy rich like her ex-husband. Defensiveness is not hot, my man.

2) I thought the writing, while snappy, was a little on the sit-commy side. Lots of situational stuff that was supposed to be funny, but I think I prefer humor that comes from language rather than a "comedic" situation. Personal preference.

Skeptic's last word: So I liked the writing, liked the plot and kinda liked the characters, but I just thought it was all too silly. The tone was a little too hammy for me to really engage with the characters and I spent most of the time rolling my eyes and how dumb the female lead was. But I have another one of Jane Graves' that will give a read and see whether I still feel that was about the style.

Bridesmaid Lotto by Rachel Astor

Skeptic scale: UNF

Couldn't finish it. It was incredibly 2-dimensional and silly. I don't have the energy to say any more. But I will.

The premise was great actually! The main character wins a lottery to become the bridesmaid of a famous socialite. I'm actually shocked this isn't an actual concept for a reality show. 

America's Next Top Kardashian?
The Real Blondes of Shotgun Island?
Snooki's Next Top Cat Fight?

Unfortunately, it was like all the originality got used up in the premise and the rest of it reads like a amalgam of every girly girl cliche ever written - gay best friend, endless gossippy passages on clothes and makeup, wedding, wedding, wedding stuff. I should have figured, given the title but honestly, I was just WRUNG OUT.

I also found the writing and grammar to be appalling. All stuff that a good edit should have caught...

Skeptic's last word: I guess this was a nice, fluffy read for a person who enjoys a lot of girly stuff. I don't know if this is the BEST example of chick lit, but I guess it may work for some readers.

I Do (But I Don't) by Cara Lockwood

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥

She: Junior wedding planner with a terrible hag of a boss

He: Firefighter

Conflict: Hmmm... not really sure it was a conflict. More like a "omg, I really like him, does he like me too?" Cue: series of misunderstandings that keep H & h apart for much of the story.

What I liked:
1) This is the exact kind of book publisher blurbs call "beach reads" and that's exactly what it was - lighthearted, easy peasy fun where I didn't have to think too hard

2) This is a weird thing to call out, but I really liked the fact that the story was set in a city other than NYC/LA or Generic Small Town in the Heartland. Instead, it was set in Austin, Texas - a nice sized, interesting city that we don't get to see all that often in these books. The NYC/Generic Small Town thing always leads to these caricatures of Big Bad City Gal/Perfect Wonderful Heartland Folk that have begun to really irritate me. And the Big City romances always show this bitch/career woman pairing that I find tiresome and unfair to career woman, nay ALL women. So this was nice.

3) First person was used well. You get enough of an idea about the H because of their conversations and we were not at all left in the dark about his motives, wants and hopes. It was generally entertaining to get to see the romance unfold through her eyes. Having said that though, I need to mention that Kristen Higgins does such an amazing job of first person that everyone else's looks like watery porridge next to hers. Still it wasn't terrible.

What was meh:
1) What would you think if I told you that this was a story about a wedding planner who has a crush on this dude but it looks like she might be planning his wedding thereby making their love impossibly impossible? 

Right? Obviously. J-to-the-Lo co-opted this story and even if this book came out before the movie did (not sure if it did), the inescapable truth is that this is the image that popped into my mind the second I figured she was a wedding planner. Unfortunately, my regard for Ms. Lopez does not extend to her acting skills, so this was a terribly unfortunate image lurking around in the background.

2) You can't base an entire story on a series of misunderstandings. You just can't. I think readers just want more. When the entire "conflict  can be solved with a single conversation/voicemail, I feel like it's a little silly that the Scooby Doo stuff continues for so long. 

*Spoiler* In "I Do (But I Don't)" it's cute in the beginning but then the h & H spend a whole weekend together and it never once comes up that "hey pretty lady, I'm not the one getting married, here's my deal and we're free to get it on?" *End of Spoiler*

Lack of communication is bad for relationships. Dr. Phil would be so disappointed.

3) I thought it was weird but cool but then weird again that the hero is described as being Too Good To Be True (and what did our mom's tell us about things that look too good to be true?) Turns out that this hot, amazing dude is also SUPER nice is because he used to be fat. Oh, I know it doesn't say that explicitly! It's more like the h wondering, hmm HOW COME this guy is so awesome? And then she find out this fact about his prior chunkiness and then it all makes sense and she's like oooooh, he must be for real then. 

Shorthand way of saying he's nice because he was insecure once and doesn't inflict that shit on anyone else. You see? It's nice. But kind of also weird.

Final word: Nice, time pass book, with some amusing bits and and ok setting/premise. Just be warned that it's pretty heavy on the cliched storylines and characters, but I didn't hate myself after reading it.

Getting Over It by Anna Maxted

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥

In Getting Over It, Anna Maxted reminds us that the Brits, as a people, are hilarious. And even though I had some issues with this book, it cannot be denied that I laughed out loud so many times that the lady sitting next to me in Starbucks inched away and gave me a look reserved for the homeless dude who stares at the 2% milk carafe and talks to it all day.

Many, many more sour candy tidbits like these:

"...it'll be as awkward as sex in a bath. Your stomach bunches up and the aesthetics are ruined."

"I fed the hunger on a gluttonous diet of pre-1970s Harlequin romances."

"If we always made the smartest choices, we'd never get laid."

"I am dumping Jasper tomorrow. He deserves it for being called Jasper, for a start."

I struggled with this. 4 hearts because it was hilariously funny and there was a LOT going on (death in the family, serious trouble in a close friend's life, many hits and misses with some foolish men, anxiety at work, tumult with roommates, a sick cat at home)? Or 3 because the heroine acts like a serious wanker in every single one of her dealings with the hero and through all the other challenges in her life. Methinks 3.

She: A 26-year old lowly employee of a girly magazine who shares many of the manifold amusements one would expect of a young, hot City gal. She hangs with her friends and bitches about men, goes out and gets sozzled on a semi-regular basis, fails to save money, makes terrible decisions with men, and loves her cat. 

It's all plodding along swimmingly until her father dies.Then, suddenly, the depression, anger and her complicated Daddy-issues seem to attack from within. For half the book she is a viperishly angry creature and the other half she's a sodden lump of despair and  a BAD-DECISION MACHINE.

He: A vet. Hot. Sweet. Jolly-humored. Kind to her cat. Good in bed. Polite to her family. Takes the higher road with rude characters. Just a good dude. A little beta.

Story: There's no plot exactly. It's more of a story of how she needs to come to terms with her issues with her parents and how she must untangle the gnarly mess of her other romantic and platonic relationships.

The main thing stopping me from loving this is the fact that my main concern wasn't addressed and that is: WHY DOES THIS DUDE EVEN LIKE HER?

By the end of the book, she does some reflection and learns a few things so yes, at THAT point, I can see why he might think she's ok. But until that point? She's a HOT MESS for the entire book!!! Even the reconciliation scene was a sticky, icky bowl of day old chili. There are far too many misunderstandings (all caused by this crazy woman) and I can't believe that a guy wouldn't just be like, alright lady, ENOUGH already!

There is not one instance where she helps HIM out. She seems totally self involved (obsessed) and up her own arse. I understand that it's because she's going through a tough phase, but if the tough phases of life reveal what type of person we're dealing with, then here, we are dealing with an overgrown brat. She doesn't seem to have a nice, kind bone in her body. When she does do something nice, it's with some resentment and bitterness. Except for the thing with her friend. That was all good. But I can't say what it is because it was the one "surprising" thing in the book. 

Can we all just agree that there is NO person who will agree to take on such a garbage heap of unresolved emotion unless they were already in a relationship with them. It just defies everything that I observe to be true.

Skeptic's last word: Annnnnyyyyway... the book is funny. Hilarious, even. But it didn't QUITE pass the Skeptical smell test as an actual, believable romance. But who cares right? It was a fun read and that's all you need sometimes.

Strange Bedpersons by Jennifer Crusie

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥♥

He: Ambitious lawyer, hell bent on making partner before 40

She: "liberal flake", grew up in a hippie commune, lives to save the world

Conflict: see "He" and "She".

H&h are attracted to one another, they've even dated. But they are just too different in their views - it would never work! So they part amicably, until H needs h's help. He needs her to be his date at a work thing. Oooooh. A work thing, huh? Okaaaayyy.... 

Even with the contrived way they are thrown together for the weekend (he needs her to pretend to be his fiancee so that he can get in the good books of a potential big name client and therefore make his partner-before-40 dreams come true), this turns out to be a sweet little story of how two totally opposite people can be wonderful together.

I loved the way that they both are quite up front about their attraction for one another. They have been friends for a while and they both know the logical reasons they shouldn't work. And I love that there was no overly dramatic scene where one or both throw a tantrum about how this is just not going to work and how they are losing themselves as individuals etc etc. It was all dealt with very maturely and both parties are shown to be willing to adjust and be sensible. 

As an aside - I must revisit some of JC's other books. I have Bet Me and another and I don't remember being transported by them or anything - and from the blogs and other Amazon reviews, it would seem that I am in the minority. Maybe will give them a re-read and see if I change my mind...

Rescuing Rose by Isabel Wolff

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥

Rescuing Rose was definitely well-written and sometimes charming. But I thought the story has been told a thousand times before in sort of the same way (woman loses everything husband, job, home, security) and romantic interest seemed a little 2-dimensional.

My main issue with the lead character is that she seemed like a controlling, emotionally constipated, angry shrew some of the time and I found her a bit difficult to like. I guess she comes across that way because her character feels abandoned and insecure, but while I sympathized, I just never grew to like her. She spends her whole life trying to get into other people's problems (she's an agony aunt for a newspaper) so she doesn't have to deal with her own, which I thought was a little too obvious of a characterization. And then, even while "helping" people, she comes across as snappish and rude, rather than actually warm and empathetic to the troubles of her "clients".

I liked the angle of the adoption of the main character as a baby and how that affects her whole outlook on life, but I felt that her issues sort of just go on and on and the "Resolution" seemed a little too perfectly packaged to be believable. Just feels like this woman should have taken herself to therapy years ago!

I also appreciated the fact that the character is 40 and Ms. Wolff didn't make the story into a whole Must Have Baby Now thing. Thank goodness for that.

The romantic interest seemed very underdeveloped as a character. You learn a few things about who he is and what he does, but even at the end of the book, I feel like I didn't really grow to love him because I just didn't know WHY he was attracted to her in the first place.

Skeptic's last word: This was an ok read. I would save it for a "slow" reading time. Like if you're between some heavy books and just need a palate cleanser. I think it was a little light on the "romance" angle, but it dealt sympathetically with a character whose issues revolve around feelings of inadequacy and abandonment.

How to Trap a Tycoon by Elizabeth Bevarly

Skeptic scale: ♥

I did NOT like this book. I get that this was supposed to be an ironic and tongue in cheek take on gender politics but it just felt like one long gasbag lecture about how "girls and boys are different but equal". C'mon now. Is equality even a question at this point!? 

The book is filled with long rambles about gender politics and sexual power dynamics that become frustrating and repetitive - perhaps a thorough edit could have solved that issue. But the truth is, NOTHING could have hidden the fact that the entire premise of the story was UNBEARABLE, flawed and offensively silly.

The protagonist is a woman holding down two jobs - she's a bartender at an exclusive club as well as a Sociology TA. In addition to her jobs, she has pseudonymously penned a bestseller called How to Trap a Tycoon where she talks about how women shouldn't feel bad about "getting theirs" and if money is their objective, they should follow her carefully laid out plan to trap a tycoon. 

Ok now I am going to go a bit nuts. I know it's "just" fiction yada yada, but it's DANGEROUS for anything to be this out of touch with reality. Let's begin the madness!

1) The premise of the book Totally Sucked. 
Here was the main point of the book (as well as the book within this book) summarized in a few lines spoken by the protagonist:

"How to Trap a Tycoon is a book that tells women how to go about getting ... nice things, things that they don't already have because they've been denied them by men."

Ummm...WHAT THE EFFING EFF??? How has this book not ended up on the banned list for this nonsensical premise!!?? Surely this is a more dangerous book than Lolita ever was? She's basically saying that because traditionally women have tended to be at an economic disadvantage, the way to even out that difference is to WHORE THEMSELVES TO A MAN WITH MONEY?? How does that not just EXACERBATE the bloody problem? Oh, so you don't have economic power so why don't you just make yourself so desirable a nice rich man will fall for you and then you can have everything you want, baby! Are you kidding me? 

Nothing about educating yourself so YOU can claim economic advantages for YOURSELF? How about arming yourself with the tools to acquire economic power (a fulfilling job, the capacity to provide for yourself, retaining control of your body etc)? You really think trapping a man is going to solve the whole gender power distribution thing?

2) Hugely irritating female characters
For all the big talk about women being up front and asserting themselves in male/female relationships, every single female character is extremely passive and panders to men. The main character, while educated and eventually financially independent, is entirely passive when it comes to her relationship with her love interest. He makes all the first moves, he is the sexual aggressor and he is the one who must "forgive" her for something he perceives as her betrayal. In fact, she never takes a single assertive step to help define their relationship. I mean, this could be a character from a Regency romance novel set in 1820 for all the pluck the woman shows.

Every single woman in the novel is portrayed as a passive player in their own lives and almost each needs to be saved by Mr. Alpha Dude Rich Guy. One of the main side characters was a woman who had been abused when she was younger and only comes to terms with her fears when a man takes it upon himself to "save" her. The main character's mother is not exactly passive, but she is a prostitute - oh, sorry courtesan, who has depended on the indulgence of men all her life. This character feels like she is truly "independent" because she doesn't need marriage. Um, I don't think being the sexual dependent of a rich benefactor counts as being independent, lady...

The one woman who is actively involved in shaping her own destiny - the owner of the bar where the main character works - is portrayed as a stone cold bi-atch. Because hey, you can't be an ambitious, money-minded, successful without being kind of a stinky shrew!

3) Equally annoying male counterparts
As annoying as I found all the female characters, the men were even more pathetic. Each man had exactly two attributes that define his entire personality  1) How wealthy he is, and 2) His willingness and ability to save the woman. 

For example, the main character's father was 1) Rich and 2) Unwilling to accept his bastard daughter. Ergo, he was a douche bag. By contrast one of the side characters who "saves" this girl who had been abused in her early years is 1) Rich and 2) A knight in shining armor. Ergo, he is a "hero". The main character's love interest is 1) Rich and 2) Willing to "forgive" his love interest for hiding her secret identity from him, so he too, is a hero. Douche bags and heroes. That's it. No further analysis of their characters. We know next to nothing about these men's motivations, their ambitions, their personal quirks, WHY they feel the need to save (or reject) these ladies. Nada.

Well at least we see some equality between men and women - as in there are equally dumb.

4) Wasted opportunities
There were so many other ways this book could have gone. I could CRY for all the wasted opportunities here...Maybe, in spite of writing about trapping a tycoon, the main character could have fallen for a poor man and then realized that true happiness has nothing to do with money and power when both are happy, well adjusted people. 

Maybe the secret author of How to Trap a Tycoon was the male character who was writing a tongue in cheek book to stir the pot, and then has to untangle the mess he makes when the female characters try to trap him, but he ends up falling for a women who doesn't try to trap him at all. 

I mean, ANYTHING other than the premise that girls should feel free to jiggle their boobs and learn how to give creme de menthe blow jobs would have been peachy. Oh sweet Aphrodite, I need to Listerine my mouth just thinking of how much garbage I ate reading this thing. Gack.

Falling Star by Diana Dempsey

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥
The story about an aging news anchor is something you might see on tv - a romantic comedy starring Michelle Pfeiffer in the role of a woman's who Had It All but then swiftly Lost It All because of circumstances outside of her control - the media's obsession with youth, a dog of an ex-husband, a scheming upstart seeking to usurp her position as lead anchorwoman. 

The love interest, her agent, would be played by a younger man. I'm thinking Bradley Cooper because he needs to be able to be lawyer-ly and comforting but not take away the attention from our leading lady.

What say you? They look good together, right!? What am I even saying... Either Michelle or Bradley would look amazing cast beside a side of mutton. Anyway, I still think there's something nice going on here:

Once I had the visuals in my mind, I was more able to enjoy the story - because honestly, it was kind of sad reading about how this woman - capable, terrific at her job - just lost it all because she's not 25 and bang-able any more. I know, it's reality and I know it happens all the time, but it just reminded me that it TOTALLY SUCKS. So I made the whole thing into a romantic comedy in my head so I wouldn't feel so miserable.

Anyway, story was well written - it was not written as a comedy (that was a made-up defense mechanism thing, as I explained). The protagonist stayed in character the whole time - that is, she is described as a tough, focused career-woman and she stayed that way the whole time - she doesn't just turn into a leaky faucet who needs a dude to save her when everything unravels. She loses her mind a little, does a few crazy things, but they were all in the quest to rebuild her life.

The romantic angle in the book could have been beefed up a little - they didn't spend a lot of time together so I didn't feel the build-up. The guy has been her agent for years (it felt a little icky, he's been earning a bunch of money off her that whole time) and they are friends at first. Also, he's kind of dating someone else - almost married in fact (he's 37, it's time). So when they hook up - well, that's cheating, my friends! I definitely felt less sympathy for both characters at that point - he was kind of a jerk to carry on with his fiancee even after his stumble into bed with the h. Which makes him no better than the h's ex-husband - he was a cheating b@stard too! 

We'd re-write that whole part in the Michelle/Bradley movie, obviously.

Anyway, it all works out in the end. She manages to save her career with some audacious moves on her part and some luck. There was satisfying closure. The ex-husband was appropriately punished, the exec who was trying to push her out for a younger model was disgraced and the young, vampy upstart received her comeuppance. Boom. She wins and proves she can Have It All. Take that, world. 

Express Male by Elizabeth Bevarly

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥

She: Marnie is a piano teacher with a nice, tidy life which gets turned upside down when she is mistaken for someone else. That someone else happens to be a legendary spy who is believed to have gone rogue and is now wanted by this top secret government agency for questioning. There are a bunch of bad guys out there who also mistake Marnie for being the secret agent lady and once they realize Marnie isn't their girl, the agency decides to use Marnie as bait to capture the baddies.

He: Noah is a senior agent with this top secret outfit who has the task of taking care of Marnie while she undertakes this dangerous mission of baiting the baddies out of hiding.

Conflict: Noah is attracted to Marnie, but he's not really sure if it's her he likes or the fact that he had had relations with the woman who looked like her. It's her. Obviously, it's her because she's sweet and nice and strong-minded and all that good stuff. Marnie is into it, but Noah blows hot and cold so she doesn't really know what to think. She's a little insecure because she gets the feeling that he might actually have feelings for that other girl who looks like her.

I wouldn't say this was a life-altering book or anything. But it was definitely a fun, quick read that had a bit of everything - interesting side characters, properly fleshed out personalities of both Noah and Marnie, a believable build-up of chemistry and sexual tension.  

These are the hardest reviews to write because there was nothing WRONG with the book. It amused, entertained and was pretty touching at times. It was just story I feel like I have read before. Big alpha boy secret agent taking care of a wittle lady who's being hounded by baddies...Not that she comes across as weak. No. It's just that after all the description about the spy everyone mistook Marnie for - I  kinda wanted to read about a love story about that woman! Now SHE sounded fun. Bad@ss girl secret agent who was the best of the best in her field. Everyone feared and admired her skills? She sounded awesome. Marnie was just a regular Jane compared to her so it was kind of a meh in comparison.

How to Get Over Your Ex by Nikki Logan

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥♥

Brit romantic comedy fodder! Who shall we cast in this? British actors, obvi.

Ta daaaa! By the Wings of Eros, I've got it!! I am SO good at this. 

Carey Mulligan (The Great Gatsby)

Henry Cavill (Superman)

He: Manager of a popular broadcast radio station who came up with the "Valentine's Girl" program where a guest proposes to her boyfriend on the air and the station gives them 50,000 pounds to follow them around for the next 12 months documenting all the preparations and the actual wedding.

She: After dating her boyfriend seriously some time, she decides to propose to him after his sister implies that he might be "ready for more". Turns out the boyfriend is definitely not ready for more and he turns her down and humiliates her in front of thousands of listeners.

Conflict: Given that the H came up with the whole concept of the reality show and now there isn't actually going to be a wedding, he feels bad that he ruined this poor girl's life. Turns out H has suffered a similar fate himself in his younger/stupider days and he feels truly empathetic. Plus, he knows his bosses are probably going to be mighty peeved that his Valentine's show was a dud. He has to somehow salvage the situation, so he offers the h a new deal.  He convinces her to go along with his amended plan for the show which is to showcase how she spends the next 12 months rediscovering herself. Over the course of those 12 months, he tags along to observe her and interviews her for the amended show. <Cue cutesy-pie montage music, scenes of both of them at cooking classes, salsa classes, traveling to Turkey, falling, falling, falling in lurve.> For music - has to be something sweet. I'm finding this song really adorable these days - Stuck on You by Meiko.

Too cute!

Anyway, this was a well-written, short but packed book with a lot of charm and not too much cheesiness. It was more of a book of how a girl figures herself out than one just about romance. The H comes across as a good guy who is doing his best despite his own experience with horrible rejection. There weren't any side characters exactly, and I thought it was a little strange that neither seemed to have any good friends to share all this with, but it helped the H&h bond a little faster so I was ok with it! More by Nikki Logan please!

Time Off For Good Behavior by Lani Diane Rich

Skeptic Scale: ♥♥♥

She: Everything goes wrong for the h - she loses her job, she suffers a terrible accident, she's getting harassed by a jerk of an ex-husband - and it has all left her a shrill and crochety cow. She needs to rebuild her life and while she's going through the painful process she meets the H.

He: A kind, patient lawyer who volunteers himself for the role of Knight in Shining Armor. We learn almost nothing about him except he is nice and has a sad back story. A nice, beta man that you wouldn't mind bringing to your Aunt Edna's knitting circle.

Conflict: The story is highly h-focused so the thing that keeps them apart is the h's (very accurate) conviction that she needs to sort out her own life before getting into anything with a dude.

What I liked:
1) The banter was quick and sharp and not forced even if it was a bit on the sitcom-y side.

2) Fast paced and generally funny

3) Had a sort of girl-power theme about it (hot pink cover = Girls Who Kick Ass But Who Still Totally Own Their Girliness) and I liked that we focus on the woman lead through the woman's own eyes, and not through the "Male Gaze"* (high fiving all my second-wave feminist sisters! woo hoo!)

What I mean by this is that we learn about the woman's thoughts and personality, her transition to a more centered human, through her own voice and not from the dude's description of how "her eyes seemed to glow with renewed vigor", or how "her skin, smooth and supple, did nothing to hide the inner strength he knew she possessed." This is a non-trivial point for me, because it almost never happens in romance novels.

What I was only meh about:
1) The hero was really underdeveloped. For example, you find out this tragic thing about his past and that is supposed to stand as proxy for his entire personality. Again, this is one of situations where H falls for h in spite of her craziness and I am left flapping my mouth like a trout  hung on a plaque in the basement - WHY DOES HE EVEN LIKE THIS CHICK???? GIMME A REASON!

2) The h is a bitter shrew. I mean, aggressively rude, temperamental and has a history of terrible decision-making. I was almost shocked in the first couple chapters with her portrayal (very impressed, but also a little scared - for instance I wouldn't want to be the chick reaching for the same cab door as her and then getting shoved out of the way into a slimy puddle because she would totally be the crazy cat to do that to someone who got in her way.) 

So yeah, hardly an endearing h.

3) ANOTHER crazy-stalker side story. This time it's an ex-husband. It's getting super old. I am not sure WHY the H would want to get involved with such a person? 

Romances always explain this point by making the hero out to be someone who wants to "save everyone". 

This is dumb and evolutionarily impossible. You only have a biological desire to save things you love/want to have sex with, or share genes with. And babies and puppies - but that's nature's way of making sure genes of the human race and those that we engineered to co-evolve with us are preserved. So gimme another reason he should fall in love with her before wanting to save her.

Side note: For as cavalier as people are about sex in general, there is this amazing tendency in romance novels to show how people fall in love in the seconds after doing the deed (usually the first time with each other and Bam!)... I wonder why? Is that the ultimate romance then? Lots of very modern sexual tension followed by an almost puritanical moment after fluids are exchanged where one or both parties realize this is love for Realz? Not getting it, and certainly not buying it. But I keep reading about it so maybe the joke's on me...

*Just in case anyone wants to know more about the objectification of women in the media and social consciousness: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaze#The_.22male_gaze.22_in_feminist_theory

Can You Keep a Secret by Sophie Kinsella

Skeptic scale: ♥♥
Story about a girl who is woefully maladapted to keeping secrets - we hear them all within 6 pages and please believe me when I say they are all extremely dumb. 

SK is a good writer - no doubt about that. The book is a quick, light read and there were a few bright moments where I thought I was in for a really great time. Unfortunately, I found the whole thing so tiresome and cliched it was hard to work up any real enthusiasm for the HEA.

He: American CEO of the Company where the h works. He comes to the UK office for some important business and that's where the story is set.

She: Low-ish level, secret-keeping, somewhat immature employee of the company 

Conflict: I'm at a loss to describe what exactly is keeping the two characters apart - maybe because she's a space-cadet with a lot of trouble sticking to reality, or perhaps it's because the H sort of disappears periodically on some secret mission of his own. I couldn't tell you.

The story began strong - she's on a plane sitting next to him (she doesn't yet know he's the CEO of the company) and when they hit turbulence she panics and spills her guts, telling him every secret she's ever kept. Cheesy, but still ok. The story sort of just plods along from there, with her getting caught in sillier and sillier deceptions and him just sort of coolly raising an eyebrow and apparently falling for her air-headedness. 

Issues I had with this book:

1) WHY does the guy fall for her? This is the whole "Bridget Jones" thing again, but unlike the romp-iness of BJ, this h doesn't have the same charm. We're supposed to believe that a with-it, rich and fabulous dude just falls for a manic, fluttery, professionally unsuccessful woman with a myriad issues with the truth? I see why he would flirt with her (can't remember from the description but I assume she was cute)... but why fall for her?

2) No physical chemistry. Like, at all.

3) Emphasis on the "secrets" which are not secrets at all. Oh, she lies about her weight does she? She has a Barbie bedspread? She can't stand one of her co-workers. Why are people even embarrassed about sh!t like that? And H's secret is stupid and adds nothing to the story except to show that unlike her, he can keep a secret.

The Trials of Tiffany Trott by Isabel Wolff

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥

Where have all the Good Men gone?

A Brit Sex in the City. I'm not going to do the regular He/She/Conflict summary for this one because the "she" is a late-thirties Everywoman (good-hearted, attractive, smart, wonderful, been hurt by love before) and the "he", like Mr. Big, is more of a concept than an actual person and anyway the story is a Scheherazade's tale of multiple He's. And the conflict is that there are just no Good Men out there. 

Well-written, and sometimes rump-thumpingly hilarious. But you know, I was really exhausted about halfway in. It was just one bad date after another. Maybe the author was kind of representing the sheer desperation of the cause so that by the end of it we, like the h, wish she would just BLOODY FIND SOMEONE ALREADY. 

“Better single than badly accompanied,” someone declares in the book. And you wince, dear Skeptic, because you know she's only saying that to be brave. The h doesn't really believe that and it's just sad. 

The formula for these things is usually a variant of "the rule of threes" thing. One guy that's all wrong, one that's too "right" and one that seems wrong but is totally right. Maybe introduce another for some high jinks. But there must have been 15 in this one. And I can't tell from the kindle book, but is this book especially long? Also, could it be that I am just projecting? Was I emotionally too zapped by the thought of one of my deserving sisters out there looking and looking and just not finding that I put up walls? I will think carefully about the possibility.

The book ends in an interesting way. But instead of being piqued and intrigued, I was thinking ye gods, not AGAIN. 

It was fun for what is was of course, but I often wonder about books and movies that show women as nothing more than almost-marrieds. It's as if she's just skirting through life waiting to get hitched. Surely there is a better way to live. Like if the h were to construct a life as if she were never going to get married, like she's the star of the show, and marriage becomes an awesome "bonus" and not her "entire life's purpose."