Monday, April 29, 2013

The Most Perfect Human Man

I have read mmmmmmaaaaybe 1,000 romance novels in my lifetime so you'll indulge me when I say I have a pretty, prettttyyy, prettttty, great idea of what constitutes The Most Perfect Human Man (TMPHM). I'd like to share that knowledge with you, dearest Skeptics - just in case you had actual lives and haven't spent all your time carefully cataloging Hero tropes so you could compile your own vision of TMPHM.

TMPHM is an alpha-dawg obviously, confident without being cocky, charming but not smarmy. He is of means, FABULOUS means - like if whoever started Twitter also ran a high turnover, cocaine-refining side business - because after all, cash is king. 
Despite his incredible wealth, he is also honorable, kind and thoughtful. Some have called him arrogant. And to that he says, - it's not arrogance if it's true <wink, wink, winsome smile>.

He's not aggressive unless someone he loves is threatened and then It. Is. ON. He practices non-violence but is good with his fists because he has done some terribly physical and risk taking things in his past life - he was a military man, a towering sports figure, cop/firefighter etc. He also has a painful back story (tyrannical father, cheatin' ex, trauma from his past risk-taking life) that has left him aloof - disinclined to love and risk the only part of him that isn't invincible - his heart. 

Now, if you've read more than 1.5 romance novels (historical, contemporary, vampiric - doesn't matter) you know who I'm talking about. TMPHM is basically Bruce Wayne without the weird flying rodent fixation. We love him, even though try to steal ourselves against his onslaught of manliness. In fact, I suspect the reason 50 Shades did so well was because Christian Grey basically embodied every single one of the mighty hero tropes in one effed up and apparently irresistible bundle. (They may have taken it one bedroom restraint further than your typical TMPHM, but take out the extremely weird soft-S&M stuff and blank out those cheesy email exchanges and we basically have your average Hunky-Billionaire-Takes-a-Woman story).

Beyond these personality traits, I am struck by the same-y-ness of the physical descriptions of TMPHM. I feel as if there is a giant conspiracy going on where I have been kept from ever having set eyes on this guy, because he's out there - the fact that every single author has written about him means that he IS out there. Because if you don't believe this, then what's even the point, am I right?

Anyway, just so y'all know what we're looking for, I catalog his features below. If you see someone resembling this description, remember TAKE A PICTURE, print it out, laminate it and put it in your everyday purse. That way when things are getting too real (e.g. real life Honey is letting out some savage nacho burps) you can whip it out to coo at and sigh over. Just a little vacation for when things get dark. 

Hair: Dark, thick and soft like the pelt of a rare black panther

Eyes: Grey, inscrutable; best described by the use of geological terminology - stony, granite, slate, flinty

Nose: Aquiline; worthy of a commander of the Pretorian Guard

Cheekbones: Chiseled; see Eyes/Geological terminology

Jaw: Wide, square like the hull of an indomitable battleship

Shoulders: Sisyphean and strapping - able to carry the weight of the world up the endless crest of life

Chest: Hard unyielding planes of muscle and sinew

...Actually I had better just stop there. It is not because I am too prudish to go lower. Never that! It's just that I think there is something slightly absurd and un-heroic about the bottom half of a dude.   Especially taken item by item. I mean, can you really think of guy as being TMPHM when you've analyzed his toes? His hairy knees? The old cockle-doodle-doo*? No, you cannot. Obviously we've strayed into deep psychologically disturbed areas of my subconscious. That was not my intention, I assure you. But it has happened now and I'll just have to work through it offline. With a battery of therapists, a hypnotist and some Entenmann's pound cake.

To ask for your forbearance, I leave you with this. It's not TMPHM but it is lovely, and you'll have a nicer day upon having seen it:

Happy hunting! May your eyes feast upon TMPHM at least once in your lives!

*I know some will disagree on this particular point. But I contend that while there are a few shining moments of glory for this feature of TMPHM, those moments are fleeting. For the most part, his raging masculinity notwithstanding, even TMPHM remains in repose. And in that state the topic is certainly best left alone.

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