Friday, April 5, 2013

Candy Store by Bella Andre

Skeptic scale: 

Suspension of disbelief sends local Romantical Skeptic into anaphylactic shock. "I saw a tunnel," said the exhausted woman, "the light at the end of it grew larger and larger and then, all of a sudden, I saw a man standing there. That man was 50 cent."

Part 1 - Introduction
Before I begin, allow me to remind you of another candy store immortalized by the great, and simply charming, 50 Cent.

I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Go ahead girl, don't you stop
Keep going til you hit the spot, whoaa

I'll take you to the candy shop (yea)
Boy, wanna taste what I got (uh huh)
I'll have you spending all you got (c'mon)
Keep going til you hit the spot, whoaa

You could have it your way
How do you want it?
You gonna back that thing up or should I push up on it?
Temperature rising, ok
Let's go to the next level
Dance floor jam packed, hot as a tea kettle
I break it down for you now, baby it's simple
If you be a nympho, I be a nympho
In the hotel or in the back of the rental
On the beach or in the park, it's whatever you into
Got the magic stick, I'm the love doctor
Have your friends teaching you about how sprung I got you
When you show me what you working baby, No problem
Get on top, get your bounce around like a low rider
I'm a seasoned vet, when it come to this shit
After you work up a sweat, you could play with the stick
I'm trying to explain baby, the best way I can
I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hand (uh huh)

You're welcome.

Because if you are in the mood to read something fun and raunchy, you may as well read the lyrics to this song, because Candy Store, the book, is just so far beyond absurd that you might end up with an aneurysm. I can't even review this. I am without speech. But you need to know so I will summarize the story in one breath so I don't waste a second Oxygen/CO2 cycle on this. 

Part 2 - Snapshot summary
Here goes:

Callie's beloved candy store is going to have to close because she has put all her energy into making orgasmic truffles and none into learning how to do the books but that's ok because it turns out Derek (Derek!?) who she hooks up randomly with at her friend's wedding is the Candy King, the man who Fixes Things for the candy industry (I know, WTF?) and can help her fix her business by making her a website (because the Internet is SO hard, you guys) and advising her to sell hot chocolate to ice skaters and while doing all this they hook up multiple times in uncomfortably icy places (an industrial refrigerator (!?), by the side of a frozen-over lake, in a supply closet) which they are apparently unconcerned with because their passion keeps them toasty.

I think you may as well stop reading right here. I mean, the dude's name is DEREK and he's the CANDY KING. The profession of being a Candy King, apparently pays well enough to let him drive a Ferrari. Apart from a general curiosity about what type of emergency fix-it man is needed at the Hershey's and Jelly Belly plants, you already have all the information you need to make a decision about whether or not this story is to your taste. You should probably all just move on and save yourselves.

Unfortunately for me, I'm sunk. I can't let it go and I will move on to Part 3 of my rant. I advise you not to join me there because it'll seriously bring you down. The negativity, the harshness. You'll be miserable.

Part 3 - Chapter breakdown
I'm going to practically have to go line by line from beginning to end and make my comments because I won't be able to sleep ever again until I purge everything from my system. Let's begin.

Chap 1&2: H & h meet at the bar at the wedding of mutual friends. He's having a drink, she asks for "anything strong". He instructs the bartender to give her a tequila shot (rude, you can't just barge in and force someone to drink nasty hard alcohol). He then proceeds to teach her how to drink a tequila. The sexy way, obviously. By licking the salt off the other person and then sucking the lime off of the wedge in the other person's mouth. Yeah, ok I get how this can be hot on a sultry night in Tijuana. But we're at a wedding in Saratoga guys. Pack it in. 

Also, how come she didn't learn how to do tequila shots from watching The Cutting Edge (that movie about a US Olympic ice skating double) like everyone else? I watched that when I was 15 and although I didn't actually get to drink a shot till I was legal, I knew the mechanics. 

Chap 3&4: While the are doing their inappropriate little public tequila seduction, the H is called away to make his best man speech and she runs off to hide because she is so embarrassed. Where does she run off to? Not out the door into the parking lot or anything. But into the kitchen and into one of the big refrigerators. Recall that these are places where the mob stores their fresh kills or locks people in to die of cold and fright. He follows and finds her - the creepiness of this stalkerish action gave me chills down my back - and they proceed to do it against one of the shelves. 

Several points to make here: 1) George Costanza gets "shrinkage" from a few minutes in the pool and this guy can get it up in an icy fridge against a cold metal shelf? What a stud. 2) Why don't they arrange to meet in warmer climes (a bedroom, perhaps) in an hour or so when the wedding is over and they are not standing in a place that houses meat and dairy. They had one lousy tequila shot - they were hardly drunk enough engage in this level of nonsensical behavior.

Chap 5-12: They meet again when both learn that that he is, in fact, the Candy King and she has hired him to save her business by making innovative suggestions like having her build an e-commerce website. They manage to hook up again in several awkward and horribly cold places (e.g. outdoors next to a public ice skating rink in winter) while her business and their romance begin to thrive. 

I take a moment here to mention Derek's backstory. He has been hurt, terribly hurt, before by a money-grubbing fiancee who wanted him to be more than the Candy King (more? the man has a Ferrari for God's sake!). In fact, the ex-fiancee would have definitely approved of Derek's brother's insistence that Derek join his boring but successful accounting firm. But Callie is different. She loves him for him, not his Kingdom of Confection. Or so he thought. At a family dinner, he overhears Callie compliment his brother on his successful accounting practice and Derek construes this to mean that she too is a money-crazed b*-atch who wants him to sell out and be a boring old accountant. 

He drives off in his Ferrari (Wait! I mentioned that the automobile he drives is a luxury sports car, right? Because you should know that despite how it sounds, being a Candy King is a huge alpha dog characteristic) and throws a hissy fit at her apparent duplicity. She decides to go after him but chooses to wander around in the freezing rain and cold and ends up shivering in a ball at his doorstep. He picks her up and tenderly cares for her because she's a cold, helpless lamb who doesn't own proper winter gear. He now realizes he's been an ass and apologizes by sending her dozens of bouquets of flowers (oh, brother) and hires a string quartet (gag) and proposes to her in her candy store (barf). On Valentines Day (Sweet Merciful Zeus, there's no room left in the puke bucket!)

The end.

I'm feeling a little better now. Thanks, Skeptics. Sharing really does help.

No comments:

Post a Comment