Love Story by Erich Segal

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥♥♥

Allow me to transcribe the note I had scrawled as a young Skeptic in 1996 into the front cover of my ratty old copy of this book.

"ONLY READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO CRY UNCONTROLLABLY FOR MANY DAYS. DON'T DO IT. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. TOO MANY DAYS HAVE BEEN LOST MOPING AROUND AFTER READING THIS GDAMN BOOK. IT'S TOO MUCH. 

ARE YOU LISTENING????" 

But I never listen to good advice, even my own, and I have read this thing maybe once a year for the past 17 years. Why? Because I am a sucker and a huge, pathetic sap.

From the first line ("What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died? That she was beautiful. And brilliant. That she loved Mozart and Bach. And the Beatles. And me.") to the last ("And then I did what I had never done in [my father's] presence, much less in his arms. I cried.") I am a sniveling, wet chump who has the inglorious distinction of falling for the same sh*t again - like that girlfriend you have who has daddy-issues and who Just Never Learns.

It's the old story of young lovers from two different worlds who give up everything to be with each other only for everything to be ripped away from them by death. Death, you miserable b@stard.

I know this is an old book, and everyone has probably already read it. But I saw it on the shelf this morning and I felt that familiar punch in my tummy and sat down to read the bits that I had underlined. Turned out that I had underlined stuff on almost every page so I ended up spending a couple hours zipping through the whole thing. Needless to say, my productivity levels today are shot. 

It's beautiful and brilliant and even when I read it as a young sapling at 15, I knew that THIS was love. ES is funny, clever and heartbreaking and even though I am going to feel like cr@p all day now, I'm glad I knew this book.

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥♥♥

Sick, twisted, wtf-ery. Ye gods, I loved this book!

This isn't a romance novel - far from it - but I read it a few days ago and I can't stop thinking about it so I thought I would just get it all out of my system here.

GF is a woman I wish I was friends with. She has written a book of such diabolical, perverse, purple humor that it leads me to believe she must be a woman of great wit and nonsense. Someone with whom I would very much like to have brunch.

On a very basic level, Gone Girl is about the un-spooling of the marriage between two extremely difficult-to-love people. The meta-story (because we live in times where everything has to have a meta something) is revealed by a series of questions about marriage that one of the main characters asks himself a few times: "Who are you? What have we done to each other? What will we do?"

The main story was about Nick Dunne who comes home one day to discover that his wife, Amy is missing. The circumstances look suspicious and Nick becomes the prime suspect (no surprise here for if we have learned anything from the Crime & Investigation Network - it's always the husband). Nick insists he didn't have anything to do with his wife's disappearance and I spent most of the book being tossed from the for Nick to violently against camps again and again like a poor dead leaf in a storm. I discovered things (horrific, sad, heartbreaking things) about both Nick and Amy along the way that made me feel gut-deep sympathy for both characters. But then as I read on, that sympathy warred furiously with an equally gut-level disgust I felt for the both of them. By the end of it all I was left an exhausted and weak shell of a person with severe stomach pain.

You know when you watch one of those documentaries about space where the camera makes a huge swoop and you feel like you are shooting into deep space, everything around you getting darker and everything you know fading rapidly to a tiny speck behind you? That's how I felt the deeper I got into the book. I started off with a jellylike idea of what happened, and all of a sudden, without warning, the author dropped me into holycowwtf territory and my mind was literally blown. 

The main thing I learned after getting to the intensely uncomfortable ending of this novel is that I guess I don't know anything about people at all. I had brazenly assumed that I had a finely tuned ear and understanding for the inner weirdities of people and characters. I thought, in my utter naivete, that having read a lot of deep books by dead french dudes I knew something about the world - but now I realize that was all just kindergarten stuff. I didn't even have the brain-elasticity to imagine that this type of mind- f#ery could exist. 

My inner goody two shoes hated, HATED the ending. I mean, it was a nightmarish scenario for a person who desperately wants to live in a world where good triumphs over evil. But then there was this sick, grinning devil inside me who experienced a sensual zippety-zap of terrified enjoyment when I read the end that GF offers up. 

Ok I won't say more because its just going to be spoiler-y. Let me just end with this. I thought Gone Girl was a fantastic read. I devoured it in the matter of a day, I didn't sleep and I didn't eat and if I had kids they would be calling child services on me because I just didn't care about anything except getting to the bottom of the mystery. 

The ending, while disturbing, was eminently interesting. I would never have imagined it in a million years, because, as I said earlier, I couldn't have even constructed an imaginary character that screwed up. And the fact that Gillian Flynn did makes me want to meet her, learn from her and make her my friend. 

One Last Chance by Shelby Gates

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥

Written for a time when high school reunions were a thing, and people didn't all just create facebook groups and check each other out from their computers.

Short, sweet, predictable.

They were high school sweethearts, he breaks up with her before the prom and that apparently emotionally scarred her for the intervening 10 years before their high school reunion. When they reunite again, he admits he was an ass and wants her back. She is snippy and plays hard to get for like 5 seconds and then its all roses and rainbows. 

It was a nice little story and a good way to spend a couple hours. I read it less than 5 hours back but it's already fading quickly from memory. To amuse myself, I shall do some nitpicking.

Issues:
1) He realizes somewhere in those 10 years since high school that he had made a mistake and she was, in fact, the Girl of His Dreams. So what did he do? Nothing. He does absolutely nothing. Do these people not have email or a phone? Are they on Facebook at all. I understand that they were in the pre-fb generation, but any normal human would naturally LOOK UP THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS on fb once you have joined, no? Not even a poke? Who are these adorable dummies?

2) She's kind of a loser. Lost her job as an assistant. She's described as "one of the smartest people he knows". In 10 years her professional contributions seem a little weak. Not saying she has to be a rocket scientist or high powered business woman, but she just didn't seem like she even liked her job. Can a smart cookie not find and keep a job she marginally enjoys? 

3) She seems not to have made a single friend in high school who she's excited to meet at this reunion - which btw occurs on a three-day cruise to Cabo San Lucas. Why does she even go? Not to see him apparently, because she checks to make damn sure he isn't coming before signing up herself. (He, meanwhile, waits till he knows she has signed up before getting on the list. Yes. Very romantic/stalker-ish.)

4) No heat. Like at all. The sexy-times have all the slickness of an 18-year-old who got ditched by her boyfriend at prom who then writes a book about what her 10 year reunion would look like when he finally comes to his senses and tells her he never stopped loving her. Sorry hon, that is a dangerous fantasy. Also it is very doubtful that your reunion would take place on a fancy cruise - its is far more likely to take place in your high school gym over pizza and paper cups.

Anyway. I didn't hate the story. It was just sort of meh... Like a filler, so if you happen to be between two emotionally charged, exhausting stories and you just need a break between those this might be a good pick.

Chasing Venus by Diana Dempsey

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥♥

Two parts whodunnit, one part crazy sexual tension for a total of three parts feeling edgy and tweakish.

I must say I am surprised to have not read anything by this lady before! She is a really solid writer. I don't know how to describe it but you feel like you are in the hands of a pro - perfect grammar, sentence structure is clean and crisp and she didn't have those tics that some contemporary writers have that end up being irritating to the reader (e.g. weird, affected Southernisms to demonstrate the H's aw-shucks charm).

He: Ex-cop, host of an America's Most Wanted-like show that helps track down criminals by appealing to the public. Backstory is that he had lost a fiancee to a crime so has attending internal turmoil related to that.

She: Crime writer who gets mixed up in a string of serial murders of other crime writers. Her issues are related to having had a bad relationship in her past and is now determined to break free from her earlier patterns with men and to assert her girl power.

Conflict: There is immediate chemistry between the two but then she becomes a suspect in the murders and he's the only one who can help her clear her name. He has to fight his attraction for her, help her solve the mystery while risking his own reputation as an investigative reporter if he ends up being wrong about her.

The mystery was tight and interesting, the conflicts were believable and while it may seem like a damsel in distress tale, there end up being some fierce scenes where she takes care of business herself.  

Side note: There was a really interesting and well-written side story about one of the minor characters who has feelings for the H. It was sympathetically written, not over blown and really touching.

It's hard for me to re-read mystery stories but I need to find more from DD! 

A Notorious Countess Confesses by Julie Anne Long

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥♥♥
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth;

For thy love is better than wine.

Because of the savor of thy good ointments

Thy name is as ointment poured forth,

therefore do the virgins love thee
- Song of Songs, Chapter 1






Everything this woman writes is just MAGIC. So beautifully done and so, so sweet it just left me a-flutter.

This is an Adam and Eve story - quite literally. Adam is the beautiful, "innocent" Pennyroyal vicar, cousin to the county's powerful Eversea family. Eve/Evie is the scandalous actress-turned-courtesan-turned-countess who's been cast by the ton as a notorious "Black Widow" when her husband dies suddenly. She escapes for some peace to Pennyroyal Green, her husband's unentailed property. 

JAL made no attempt to hide the overtly biblical allusions and I was ready to be offended on behalf of women everywhere because of the old Eve-as destroyer-of-innocence thing. But perhaps I too was seduced by this Eve, this sharp, unrepentant siren, that all my defensiveness at what the reference symbolized just melted in a puddle at her feet. She's certainly not an innocent, but neither is he. At least she doesn't try and hide behind a wall of civility and religiosity. 

JAL clearly had a lot of fun with the biblical theme and it was cleverly weaved throughout the story (Eve acted at the Green Apple Theater, plenty of angel and snake metaphors) and there were references to passages in Corinthians and Song of Solomon that made me want to revisit my study of the Bible as the ultimate romance novel (ergo the quote up top from Song of Songs). Some of that stuff was HOT. 

The interaction between both the characters is heart-thumpingly thrilling. They're both so well-rounded out, we almost feel their internal tension that keeps them from giving in to each other. And the things he SAYS, our Adam, made me want to climb into my kindle and get myself thoroughly compromised by the man. He was the perfect tormented H - wanted what he shouldn't and then when he couldn't take it anymore out there and grabbed it, everything else be damned! Sigh...

This is a book I shall re-read many times.

NB: I actually wrote a review of this on Amazon under a different name so a lot of it may look familiar to anyone really looking

The Sexiest Man Alive by Diana Holquist

Skeptic scale: ♥♥

Channing Tatum. Wait...We're talking about sexy men, right? Yeah. So... Channing Tatum. I think we've seen all we need to here. Just move along to the bottom - the rest is just filler.

The story centers around an H who needs to prove to the world/himself that he is a good actor and not just a Hollywood pretty-boy and he arranges to act on The Stage as Romeo. However, he doesn't want the rest of the cast/crew/audience to realize it's him or they won't take him seriously. The h, a seamstress and costume designer is called upon to create disguises for him so he can hide his true identity. I outline my many issues with this story below but its redeeming feature was the writing which was saved me from flinging my kindle out the window onto the weird dude who's always sitting on my stoop listening to his Walkman from 1984.

He: Hot hunk o' burnin' love, Hollywood star, and man with a need to help others and penchant for leaving oversized tips for wait staff after overhearing their tales of money woe.

She: A neurotically shy seamstress who is pathologically scared of handsome men, or actually any man.

Conflict: She's scared of everything/everyone - especially handsome men, he's too handsome and famous... you get it.

Issues that seriously undermine the story that could easily have been solved by 3-second plot modifications by the author:

1) If you need to disguise a person in real life, would you not need a makeup artist? Why the HELL would you make her character a costume designer? Unless he's going about in full on Mickey mouse regalia, it seems that he wants someone to help disguise his handsome FACE.

2) If he needs to prove his worth as an actor, could he not have chosen a couple of meatier roles in Hollywood films? He's reportedly a popular star... seems a stretch to think that he's had to resort to these types of hi-jinks to prove he's good enough. Ok, even if you do want to be on The Stage, wouldn't you still be able to prove your salt if you just acted well? It's not like he would only get a pretty-boy* role in a play right?

Other issues:

1) WHY would it make sense for a person so nice and handsome and wonderfully awesome to go for someone so painfully shy that she can't look a person in the eye long enough to complete a job interview. Why can't these characters be at least somewhat grounded in reality?

2) I cannot read a Hollywood-themed romance. Sorry. Just can't do it. The Skepto-meter is just off the charts for these Hollywood types and I can't suspend disbelief that much. I mean, in the face of overwhelming, very public evidence that these things are mostly doomed from the start, you expect me to believe that THIS H & h with their attending baggage and weirdities can make a go of it?? I. Don't. Think. So.

*Speaking about pretty boys actors - I just knew Channing Tatum was brilliant even when he did pretty-boy roles such as his seminal work - Step Up, where he played a troubled Baltimore youth who BREAKS IT DOWN with some snazzy hip-hop and classical dance moves. This was before his transcendent rise to A (or at least B) list stardom that recently resulted in another classic - Magic Mike, where he also BREAKS IT DOWN - this time a little less clothed. Grrr. So yeah... what was I saying again? Never mind.

Waking Up Married by Mira Lyn Kelly

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥♥

Babies, girls obsessed with babies, men who love babies

Not typically my favorite theme for romance novels. (Although - thank God there was no weird reference to how he longed to see "her belly filled with his baby". Ew. It seriously bums me out when I read that.) 

But this one snuck in my reading pile and didn't suck and despite the baby theme was a fun read! The writing was snappy and fun and I didn't realize till a third into it that it was a Harlequin series book. I shocked myself by 4-hearting it and actually went back and re-read it to make sure. Yep, it was an ok book and made it me smile.

He: Rich, successful businessman on holiday in Vegas to "get over" his broken engagement. He's not terribly fussed about having broken his year long affair. Why? He doesn't believe in love, she did and he can't give her any more than a surface relationship.

She: Having given up on finding a husband with whom to have a kid, she's decided to go the artificial insemination route. Before taking that step though, she is in Vegas for a cousin's wedding when she runs into H with his rocking bod and "classically handsome" face. After getting super drunk, they get married at a cheesy Vegas chapel.

Conflict: He can never love any woman. And can't be with a woman who expects love. He wants a marriage of convenience. She wants a baby. She has given up on finding love but then (obviously) falls in love with him and as soon as he realizes that she has done that he distances himself.

Very formula and all that but the first bit where they meet and deal with the effects of their drunken night is actually quite entertaining. The rest of it dragged somewhat but it kept me engaged.

The main issue I had was this - when they decide to stay married, how come she just packs up her life and moves across the country to live with him? I mean, he could be a psycho! And come on sister, you have a job and friends and a life too! Why doesn't HE effing move? So she wants a baby and he's a good sperm donor candidate - but doesn't this mean he had dibs on this kid too? What kind of father refuses to love someone? wtf!!! These points don't come up obviously but they seem pretty relevant.

One thing is clear to me, the romance industrial complex has made the word L-word into some sort of magical spell. Say it and everything suddenly becomes brushed by Technicolor, HD, 3D, only-watch-in IMAX intensity. Really? I mean, I love potato skins.

...

Nope. Nothing happened. They were awesome before and they're still awesome now and my saying the magic L-word didn't really change the facts.

Whatevs. It was a quick, entertaining read. He had weird emotional issues (but that's standard romance novel hero fare) but then there was a satisfying grovelling scene where, like a brave kamikaze he drops himself and his L-bomb into the both of them and wins the war.