Lady Maggie's Secret Scandal by Grace Burrowes

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥♥

Best quote ever from a romance novel:
"You're from the North, and your family motto is probably something like 'Thank God for friendly sheep'."

Oh no she didn't!

He: Benjamin Hazlit, an investigator who is paid handsomely by his fat cat clients to dig into the private lives of the ton for information. He goes by an assumed name, a simple Mr., but he is actually an Earl who is keeping his title secret.

She: The illegitimate daughter of the powerful Duke of Moreland. The Duke and his wife have officially adopted her but she still feels like an outsider looking in. She is harboring a secret that threatens to unravel and destroy her adoptive family. She engages the services of Mr. Hazlit to forestall the damage if her secret were ever to get out.
What I liked:
1) The words! I liked ALL the words Grace Burrowes used. Proper Regency cant with just the right amount of bone dry wit and sarcasm. 

2) A really heroic hero. He is eternally considerate of the h and he loves her for all the right reasons - at one point he even enumerates the reasons - and they are swoonworthy! "I am enamored of you ... You're gorgeous, passionate, intelligent and independent - also a financial genius." Sigh...

What I had SO many questions about:
1) I didn't really understand why he went by the assumed name Mr. Hazlit. There was some explanation given about how he wanted to separate his name from his sisters' sake because he didn't want them getting known as being a shady investigator's relations. Hmmm. Ok. So what would happen when he switches back to his real name the Earl of Hazelton. Wouldn't that be extremely WEIRD when he has to go about in society after he's just finished investigating all their scandalous secrets? It seemed weird and an unnecessary detail. He could have just been a stealthy Earl who did his sleuthing on the side. Scandalous, sure but he would be doing his sleuthing in secret anyway so it's not like anyone would find out.

2) I wanted to kick the h about a dozen times for her stubbornness in keeping her "scandalous secret". It wasn't even her scandal! 

3) I didn't like how the h felt overly grateful to the Duke and Duchess of Moreland for adopting her. I see how she would feel thankful to the Duchess for being her adoptive mother, but the Duke was the one who stuck it in the wrong place so he was just doing the right thing by adopting her. 

I get that most men of the time would have just paid off the mistress and forgotten about the child they had created, so we know that the Duke is more honorable than most. Good. Fine. But why the over-sized admiration for a man who had not one, but two bastards that he then foisted upon his wife. The h is supposed to be this extremely rational person so it was strange that she would have been so blinded by admiration she ended up keeping this secret so as not to rock the boat for her family.

Anyway, all these issues aside, this was a good story and so, SO well written. I love it when writers treat popular romance novels with the same respect they would show literary fiction doing all this great research and the wonderful use of language. And of course, that line about the sheep was MONEY.

The Cowboy Takes a Bride by Lori Wilde

Skeptic scale:♥♥♥

I dunno. I'm so conflicted. The main thing I took away from reading this is that Lori Wilde is a virtuoso. She managed to take about a dozen tired (and tiresome?) cliches and turn them into something pretty good. Ultimately, I didn't love the story. I thought the stereotypes finally won the battle, but that didn't stop me from appreciating how superbly LW wielded her pen against them.

I will outline the Him/Her/Conflict through all the cliched elements in the story so I can explain what I mean a little better. Just a quick point - I am not giving away the spoilers with each of these cliches - there really isn't a twist anywhere - just regular, vanilla, romance-novel stereotypes that LW manages to coat in just enough savvy so I just manage to choke them down. Only just.

Cliche 1: Big City Girl Goes to Small Cowboy Town and Point That Small Town People are All Wonderful Heart-of-the-Land Types and Big City People are Stone Cold Bastards is Brought Home.*

*Except for the one obligatory small town villain who is a total anomaly but who is swiftly brought to justice so the heart-of-the-landers can continue to live their wholesome, perfect lives, unblemished by evil.

Cliche 2: Girl Starts on Path to Self-discovery But First, Needs to Do Some Shopping to "Pretty Woman" Herself Into Her New Part

It's like the path to self discovery simply cannot occur without a new pair of shoes and a kick@ss outfit. Even if you're broke and can't afford it. But what am I saying! YOU wouldn't have to buy those clothes, silly, the GUY would! He would do it because he wants you to be happy and if new shoes make you happy, then you got 'em baby! It is absolutely not a subtle symbol of chauvinism at all! Don't be so sensitive. I mean, you could buy those shoes yourself, obviously. That's what credit is for. You only let him buy them for you because it seemed to be something he wanted to do. 

I am being annoying about this point only because I think we can do better. This scene doesn't have to be there in romance novels anymore (unless this is a historical where it may be appropriate for the time). Authors can show the H's caring, kind nature some other way besides the old, "here's some money - go get yourself something shiny, hon" way.

Cliche 3: Girl Can "Have It All" if Having It All Involves Realizing That She Wants What Her Man Wants (Really, She Really, Really Wants What Her Man Wants).

Signs that indicate that she really Has It All are exhibited in an Epilogue that contains the following. (If all these elements are not present, you are reading a horror/suspense story where someone will die in a terrifying and horrific way. Be warned.)

• Baby and/or pregnancy: If there's no bouncing little mini-me or at least a pregnancy in progress, then she has failed the Have It All test. 
• She has a career - kind of: It's not the career she thought she wanted. No, that was misguided and totally not for her. Being in love with her Man showed her that.
• Small City trumps Big City: C'mon guys, there's a baby involved. No one in the history of time has raised a family in a Big City. It's a proven fact that the water in Big Cities causes birth defects and babies are born with tiny dragon wings and horns. Besides, her Man lives in a Small Town and he turned out great.
• She and her Man are still as attracted to one another as they were when they first hook up: We know this because they still gaze upon one another with passion and longing (even though they haven't slept for the past 5 nights on account of their Perfect Baby). If there is no explicit reference to how his eyes shine when he looks at her and how she glows with inner happiness, then you are reading a story where someone is about to get murdered.

And the cherry on top of this diabetes-inducing sugar bomb sundae...

Cliche 4: Referencing "Sleepless In Seattle" to Indicate What Perfect Love Looks Like Even Though The Movie Literally Never Showed The Actual Relationship Between Tom and Meg

Sleepless in Seattle - best movie ever because it showed that NY IS a romantic place and not just full of angry cabbies

I can't. I just can't. I LOVE this movie. I don't have the words to describe how much I ADORE this movie. But to reference it in a romance novel for adults is a head-frack of epic proportions. And then to actually have the characters sit down and analyze Tom and Meg, and ACTUALLY ENACT SOMETHING from the movie...it's just too much. 

There is a thin red line between cuteness and nauseation and this just breached that barrier like an F16 fighter jet through a wispy lace negligee. 

So you see how I was flummoxed by the book? It contained many of the tropes I find distasteful but LW handled them so sincerely that I had to swallow my scowl and just read on. Did I buy the Happily Ever After? Yeah, sure. Why not? Maybe cliches are cliches because they are true for so many people and I just need to get over it. Alls I know is that Lori Wilde can write a story.

Not Quite a Husband by Sherry Thomas

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥♥♥

Read at your own risk!! You WILL be reduced to a whimpering pile of longing - as I was when I first read it. 


ST wasn't writing a book here. She was writing a beautiful poem about a couple of pining, aching hearts kept apart by pride and tragic misunderstanding. Suck it, Romeo and Juliet! Believe me, if I had known that I would never have even begun this book because I usually hate pining, aching hearts - always comes across as cheesy and unbelievable to me. But ST grabbed me by the back of the neck and forced me to LOOK. And once I did, I just couldn't look away because within about 10 pages it was me pining and aching. Oh, shivers.

She: One of the most compelling historical heroines I have ever come across in a romance novel. The book is set in the 1890s -  much after the Regency period and just around the time of "modern" Britain. Women's roles had already begun to change and this heroine was very much part of the new vanguard of modern working women. She is a physician, and she is passionate (to the point of obsessed) about her career. I thought highly of her for her accomplishments even as I felt slightly put off by her reserve and unapproachable demeanor. She wasn't exactly a lovable h, but she was an amazing woman.

He: For the first time, I saw a truly modern man in a historical romance and my heart just became a glob of hot, melty marshmallow goo in my chest. It has barely reconstituted itself after all these days so revisiting this book is putting me in grave danger of losing my sh!t all over again. 

So... modern men. Authors will often write about a hero who is ahead of his times, how he doesn't try to squelch the heroine's spirit, how he respects her brain etc etc even when Society tries to crush her. But sometimes those heroes seem to be guys who are surprised by a woman's accomplishments and then learn to "accept" the lady for her uniqueness in spite of how unusual those accomplishments make her. This guy yearned for this woman because she was amazing - capable, heroic in her own right. He looked up to her. He wanted to be near her and to be with her, and was grateful that she chose him. And all this didn't detract from his alpha-ness. No sir! Alpha plus, my good man!

Conflict: Obviously, as you've seen from my description above, there was a great deal of longing, yearning, aching and so forth. What keeps these two apart is a terrible mistake the hero makes and the pride of the heroine that she doesn't confront him about it at the outset. Instead, she lets the wound fester until they develop a terrible, seemingly insurmountable chasm between them. The story is about how they try to mend that huge divide.

I'm going to write out some of my favorite lines from the book. There will be spoilers, so don't read on if you don't like reading bits from books ahead of time. ST is just such a beautiful writer, I wanted to make notes for myself so I can come back to them and feel all mopey again.

"Then one noticed the bleakness behind her green eyes, as if she were a nun on the verge of losing her faith"

"You were the moon of my existence; your moods dictated the tides of my heart" 
(This is cheesy-squeezy out of context. IN context, you will lose your mind, trust me)

"Curiously enough she had no aspirations at all concerning him. A drunk did not expect the bottle to love him back"

"Her heart slammed like an unsecured shutter in a windstorm"

"...millions of stars shone, a diamond heist gone awry."

"Her blue-black hair spread like the cape of Erebus"

"Even your love had such sharp corners and dark alleys"

"He did not look like an archangel - if archangels looked as he did, there would be no woman of virtue left in Paradise."

Poetry, am I right!? There are too many more. I think I am just going to re-read this and risk the melted marshmallow glob heart failure thing again.

Part I: Most Romantic Thing Ever Said By a Boy to a Girl - Colin Firth Edition

I know, I know, enough already with the Colin Firth references. But I was going through my dvd's and came across the Diary of Bridget Jones. Obviously, I had to stop everything to watch it. You know what, my laundry never did end up getting taken out of the dryer and everything ended up looking all wrinkly and limp, but it was time well spent. Because I got to see, for the gazillionth time, my ALL TIME FAVORITE scene from a romantic comedy not featuring Tom Hanks.

Here's how it went down:

Transcribed by the Romantical Skeptic:

Mark Darcy: I don't think you're an idiot at all. (pause) I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you...Your mother's pretty interesting...and you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences.

(Continues to look all intense and adorable)

I realize that when I met you at the turkey curry buffet that I was unforgivably rude and wearing a reindeer jumper that my mother had given me the day before. (Awkward, but endearing pause) The thing is, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, in fact, perhaps, despite appearances, I like you, very much.

Bridget Jones: (Laughs) Apart from the smoking, and the drinking and the vulgar mother, and the verbal diarrhea-

Mark Darcy: No. I like you very much.Just as you are. 

SIGH. So clear. So straightforward. I heart you Colin Firth. I heart you always.*

*Actually, even though you're not supposed to qualify love, I think even he wouldn't mind if I say that he is a little (only a little) less yummy when he puts on an American accent. It breaks my heart to say it, but there it is. So - I heart you Colin Firth, but only when you have a British accent.

His at Night by Sherry Thomas

Skeptic scale: ♥♥

What the heck happened here!! I just didn't GET THIS STORY. AAAHHHHH. Sherry Thomas, I love you and you're amazing but I have NO IDEA WHAT I JUST READ. 

Both H&h assume a "disguise" to navigate their complicated worlds but those disguises are almost permanent parts of their identities and occupy 95% of the book. In that other 5%, I didn't actually get a good picture of who these people are without those facades. And because I didn't really know them, I had a hard time rooting for them. 

He: A Marquess who plays the part of Society's fool. He acts like a bumbling idiot so that no one suspects that he is secretly solving crimes. I can see why he would play a part for the world, but what I did not like was that he deceives his family too, particularly his brother. All this because the H is harboring a secret (incredibly childish) resentment against his brother for some ancient misunderstanding that could have been clarified with two seconds of proper communication. 

She: A woman trapped by a cruel, sadistic uncle. She smiles to hide her pain. She needs an out and decides to trap the Marquess into marriage so she can escape with her aunt and he will keep them safe.

Conflict: This was not clear. There is the conflict of the H feeling resentful at the brother for keeping a secret from him, and then the H's resentment (lots of resentment, apparently) against the h for trapping him in marriage and being a scheming ho-bag. But then there is this other plot of a crime that has to be solved. It was all very confusing and tangled and I honestly didn't understand it well enough to summarize it coherently here. 

Issues:
1) Here was my main issue with this story. The H was NOT hot. He was physically attractive, sure. But he spent his entire adult life pretending to have BRAIN DAMAGE. Acting stupid, even if it's pretending, is not a desirable feature in my book. Maybe, instead of pretending to be stupid in order to gain the confidences of people around him in order to solve crime, he could have spent some of those brain cells trying to figure out whether maybe there was a legitimate reason his brother (who by all accounts is a wonderful person) is keeping something from him.

2) ST is a super writer but the plot was just too absurd. There were some really strange and unnecessary plot twists at the end that just added further confusion to the already frantically discombobulated situation.

3) There was a little too much 'fairy-tale villain" in the uncle. He seemed to have no personality other than being this horrible person with severe psychosis. 

4) They are physically attracted to one another but there is really no reason that I can see that they should really like each other. There was no build up, no basic foundation for a friendship or passion or anything. Apart from the fact they both put on a fake face for the world, they don't seem to have anything in common at all. Oh, they both want the treasure, so that's something else they have in common, I guess.

Mr. Impossible by Loretta Chase

Skeptic scale: ♥♥♥♥
Boy Likes Girl and Is Perfectly Clear About It, Saving Girl A Lot of Time and Energy: "It isn't simple for me," he cut in, stabbed again. "This must be Egyptian lust, because it isn't at all what I'm used to. I have...feelings."

He: Rupert Carsington is the rapscallion 4th son of the Earl of Hargate who has been banished to Egypt by his father. He's confident (cocky?), cheerful and too charming for his own good.

She: Daphne Pembroke is a wealthy widow of a much older man. She's a brilliant Egyptologist who studies hieroglyphics and ancient artifacts along with her brother.

Conflict: Daphne's brother is kidnapped by a band of villains and she is determined to find him. She goes to the British consulate in Egypt and requests reinforcements in her quest to find her brother. The consulate gives her Rupert Carsington who, at first blush at least, seems like a boneheaded fool. As they travel through Egypt in their quest to recover her mislaid brother, however, Daphne realizes he's actually much more than a good-natured blockhead. She has to overcome her reservations about Rupert to really risk her heart to another man.

What I loved:

1) What a stupendous hero! Tall, rakishly good looking Rupert Carsington is a good old fashioned British hero - a charming, roguish aristocrat with a penchant for trouble making and a heart of pure gold. He faces danger with dry wit and irrepressible good humor. Unlike other alpha heroes however, he does not suffer dark moods or a tortured past. He's not "broken" in any way and doesn't need any fixing by our heroine.

He actually reminded me of that hilarious hero/anti hero, Harry Flashman from George MacDonald Fraser's The Flashman Papers - a series set in the 1840s about another charming British rogue who always seems to land on his feet in spite of his insistence on charging into any scuffle within 10 miles of him. The difference is that Flashman was not a good person at all (he's a liar, a thief, a slave-trader, a philanderer and more), but our hero has all his charming attributes and none of the bad ones. 

2) Words, words, words. Loretta Chase is simply brilliant. She writes dialogue so you feel like you're actually hearing the screenplay of a movie. The language is perfect and she doesn't slip into American-isms. 

For example. This is one of my all time favorite romantic "reveal" scenes, where the characters share their feelings for one another. Could have easily been Mayor McCheesy, but in LC's hands, it was unbelievably sweet:

He said. "...You didn't need to warn me off. I know we're obliged to observe the proprieties. That's why I wish we were elsewhere."

"It doesn't matter where we are," she said. "This isn't the Arabian Nights. It was exciting, once-twice-to be carried away-"

"Was that all?" he said, and something stabbed inside, making him hot and cold at the same time. "You were carried away?"

"What did you want me to say?" 

He didn't have an answer. "I don't know," he said at last. "But you must say something more than that. You're the genius, not I."

"The matter doesn't require cleverness," she said. "What we experienced was lust, pure and simple - well, not pure-"

"It isn't simple for me," he cut in, stabbed again. "This must be Egyptian lust, because it isn't at all what I'm used to. I have...feelings."

I know, right? If only boys had been that clear with me in my youth. So much time could have been saved.

What was only ok:
1) I actually enjoyed the setting - Egypt in the 1820s. The heroine clearly is passionate about the history and legend of the place, but honestly, I thought it was a little much. Especially all the descriptions of the land as Daphne and Rupert make their way across the desert. But all that description was interspersed with PLENTY of action (the two seem to be set upon by thieves and bandits at every turn), so I can't really complain.

Colin Firth Is the Hottest Thing to Have Fallen Into a Muddy Pond, Ever

I think we can all agree that Colin Firth is the man. Not just for his pretty brown eyes or how tall he is. Or because he looks awesome all rumpled up. Not even because he does charmingly befuddled Brit man-candy like NO ONE else. If you have any doubts about his desirableness, recall that this is the man who made MUDDY PONDS look like hot tubs at the Playboy mansion. Extremely foxy.

To wit:

1. Man Stares Broodingly Into Muddy Pond Before Jumping In and Making Us All Wish We Were Eels So We Could Get All Tangled Up In His Business.

This is the scene that kicked it all off, of course. When Darcy jumps in the pond near his estate in his billowy white shirt and snug breeches. The best thing about this scene arguably has nothing to do with how cute he looked all drippy and disheveled when he runs into Elizabeth Bennett right after, but that it told us a few things about his personality. That in spite of his prideful demeanor, this hero has the capacity to be adventurous and unconventional. Because if the man was hot and sweaty after the long ride to his country estate, he would damn well jump in a pond if he wanted to.

2. Man Jumps Into Freezing Cold Lake After Girl Because He Doesn't Want Her to Think He's a "Total Spaz"

This one is awesome. Maybe even my favorite of all the CF Muddy Pond scenes. All the pages of his manuscript ("rubbish") fly into the lake because Aurelia, his housekeeper, mistakenly lifts the cup holding them all down. She jumps in the lake to save the pages. And he jumps in after her because he doesn't want her to think he's unchivalrous. The first words out of his mouth are "F&%$, its cold." Winner. What does his jumping in tell us about him? That he's a sweetie pie and that he's scared of eels (he freaks out when he thinks he feels an eel). 

3. Man Drags His Arch-rival Into Pond to Fight For Her Honor Even Though He Looks Utterly Ridiculous Doing It

Fighting for a lady's honor? Who DOES that anymore? Seeing as it's not 1540, the lady could probably have figured out how to handle her own honor so the gesture was largely unnecessary .. but the fact that he did it! Sigh. 


Anyway, I hope to see many more instances of CF leaping into small bodies of water. Because Colin + Muddy Ponds = Pond-tastic awesomeness. See. girls? Math is fun.